No Direction

Today, I will be analyzing two of One Direction’s most popular songs. Once again, I’m not an expert. In fact, I hadn’t even heard a song by One Direction until two months ago. Shows you how much I know.

First, What Makes You Beautiful. Click here to view video.

Intended Message: A beautiful girl feels insecure about her looks, and One Direction wants her to know how truly gorgeous she is. However, what makes her truly beautiful is that she’s humble and hasn’t grown conceited over her looks.

Perceived Message: I wouldn’t mind this song if the music video didn’t contradict every single lyric.

First of all, if they’re telling the girl, “You don’t know you’re beautiful,” you’d expect the girl to display this attributed humility, right? She’d be shy, blushing, and almost feel uncomfortable to have five famous young men serenading her, right? Ha! You who are oh so foolish.

According to One Direction, this humble girl of theirs is sitting in the back seat of the convertible by herself, wearing a revealing dress, hands in the air, laughing while her friends try to concentrate and drive the car. When she loses her hat, she just keeps laughing. Daddy will buy her a new one. Amidst all her hair flips and laughs at the camera (not at the ground, like the song says), I arrived at a conclusion. This girl is not humble.

“I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song…”

Another thing. The boys are driving a bus, and when one is driving a bus with at least eight passenger seats (right now we’re talking at least eight people with the 5 guys plus the 3 girls), states require him or her to be at least 21. As of now, none of these blokes is 21.

Those joyriding hooligans.

The next problem is the line, “Everyone else in the room can see it.” I’m sorry, One Direction, you are not in a room. You are on a beach. If you meant to say, “Everyone else on the beach can see it,” then you are limiting the recognition of her beauty to you and your 4 other singer-type friends. In which case, you should be extra careful. Everyone’s singing about how they want the same girl “so desperately” (her two friends are irrelevant). This competition could get bloody pretty quickly.

Also, apparently putting something to song automatically proves it to be true, hence the lyrics, “To prove I’m right I put it in a song.” Imagine the implications of this in the following parody of the chorus by yours truly.

“Baby, you’re made out of wood and float like a duck,
We’ll surely send you our prayers and wish you good luck,
But if you’re really a witch, you can’t just run amuck
Your trial will go oh oh
Go just like the Crucible!”

According to One Direction’s logic, I just provided more reliable evidence to burn witches than John Proctor ever could.

Finally, if the girl’s beautiful just because she doesn’t know she’s beautiful, why on earth would they want to tell her that she’s beautiful? They’d ruin everything!

Next, Live While We’re Young. Click here to view video.

Intended Message: We’re mature enough for sex! #YOLO!

Perceived Message: We’re not mature enough for sex, but #YOLO!

If you’re trying as desperately as they are to prove that you’re mature enough for sex, don’t be playing with squirt guns and splashing around with giant inflatable bananas in the kiddie pool.

Not suggestive at all.

Seriously though, If this song isn’t the biggest wolf in sheep’s clothing I’ve ever heard. A song meant for the teen girls, the video at least is very PG. There’s no cussing, no nudity, no drugs, so it must be perfectly harmless, right? Alas, ‘tis not so.

Not only are these five guys encouraging their audience to have sex as soon as possible for no reason other than #YOLO, but they constantly admit that the relationship they’re pursuing is not about love.

I once heard a sermon where the speaker dissected the phrase, “(comma) but God…” referencing how scripture frequently recounts how mankind screwed up, “but God” redeemed it. For example, Ephesians 2:4-5, “But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)”

My point here is to say One Direction has replaced “But God” with “But #YOLO.” In fact, the group lists all the reasons why they shouldn’t have sex, “but #YOLO” makes it okay. To name a few, “we just met but let’s pretend it’s love, and never never never stop for anyone,” “it’s now or never, don’t overthink it, just let it go.”

So… they’re admitting it’s not love, encouraging the girl to put aside her better judgment, and threatening to never give her a second chance if she decides to wait. Gotta love these guys as role models for love.

Finally, if one of the chaps from One Direction actually did manage to seduce the girl, the other guys sharing the tent would have had a very awkward night.

Co-Ed Camping!

Well that’s all for this week, folks. Thanks for sticking with me for the past seven weeks. Check in next week for more cheeky analysis.

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